I Have No Useful Life Skills

If the zombie apocalypse strikes, I'm a goner.

I love reading dystopian novels and watching movies about the zombie apocalypse. I don’t know why. I obviously don’t want the world to end anytime soon! But I think maybe those fictional situations eliminate unnecessary noise like cell phones and social media and bank accounts, and get people back in tune with nature and simpler times.

But the more I think about it, the more I realize I have absolutely no useful life skills in terms of survival. None. I consider myself an educated person. I graduated from college and I’m tech-savvy enough, I suppose. If you need someone to write you an essay, I’m your gal. Want to talk about books? Sign me up! I have good office skills and can make really great lists. *shrug*

Those things have nothing to do with helping me to survive if I was ever in that situation, though. Am I going to write a 1,000 word blog post asking a zombie to leave me alone? I guess throwing a book at it could help a little. I worked in HR for a long time, so I could recruit the heck out of other survivors to come join my fictional compound one day, I guess?

But I can’t start a fire. I can’t sew or knit. My sense of direction doesn’t exist. I’ve never shot a firearm or hunted animals in my life. I could probably use a hammer or a screwdriver if I had to fix something easy, but beyond that, I’m lost. I have no idea which plants are safe to eat or which herbs can be used for natural remedies. I’ve killed more plants than I can remember and wouldn’t know the first thing about growing my own food.

I am literally useless. It’s kind of a sad realization.

I married someone who knows how to do a lot. Some of it is just innate talent because he’s great with his hands and very mechanically inclined and can figure out pretty much anything. And some of it he was taught by his family or necessity. But he is good at 99% of everything I’ve named above. If the world ever ends, I certainly picked the right guy to be by my side. Kudos to 18-year-old-me getting sucked in by his killer smile and beautiful eyes, not knowing he was secretly a young MacGyver.

I’m determined to learn useful survival skills and to ensure my children learn them as well. Of course, it’s great that our civilization is so advanced and we have countless apps and devices to do most things for us these days. But what happens when the internet fails or the power goes out or food becomes scarce? I want to say that will never happen, but who knows? It’s certainly possible.

My resolution for 2024 is to become a useful human.

Living in an RV, I can’t keep any livestock or grow crops or plant herbs at the moment. But I can learn to sew and use tools and hone my first aid skills at the very least. It’s a start, right?

Watch out, zombies. The new and improved Mia is coming…